It is 9 months now since I walked out off a Narcissistic relationship. I have written about this before and honestly, I do not want to talk about it anymore. But since I walked away and started my journey to healing, I regularly come in contact with people who also have been, or still are in such a relationship. I now realise the need to share in a different way.
This is in no way written to put anyone in a bad light. I truly believe that this person is not evil at heart, as I understand it, this person became this way due to abuse and neglect from childhood. As I started investigating this topic, I heard over and over again that never ever in all of history, a Narcissist has successfully received deliverance or healing. That brakes my heart. It is from this deep inner conflict, torn between sorrow for these narcissists and the pain of being a victim that I write this. I have been I victim but no more, I can thankfully say I am on my way to healing. Speaking to others about it, made me realise how many people need to hear my story of hope. I acknowledge that I am in no way a professional or fully informed about narcissists. I can only talk from my own experience. Please read the attachment above carefully. Also, in a previous article, there are links for more information.
When the first signs started showing, I was overwhelmed by confusion. I could not, for the life of me, understand what is transpiring right before my eyes. As the attachment above explains, I just got married to prince charming himself, only a few hours ago. After being single for eleven years, I am now married to a man after my own heart. As we drove off, away from the wedding, I sighed a sigh of relieve. It’s over, now my new life of love and happiness has started. Friends of mine has blessed us with a honeymoon and we were driving towards this piece of paradise. I double checked that everything was in the vehicle and then turned to my bridegroom. “There we go, finally on our way to honeymoon!”, I said with a smile. The man that turned his face towards me, was not my Prince charming. There was a visible change in appearance and it scared the living daylights out of me. I touched his arm and looked closer, checking if everything was okay. It was not. Prince charming was gone. I struggled to dismiss the feeling of dread and fear as I tried to have a conversation with him, desperately trying to understand.
During the next week, the usual cruelty that comes with narcissistic behaviour, was absent, but then there was no evidence of a honeymoon and all that goes with it. No candlelight dinners, no cuddling nor long (or short) sweet conversations. One attempt to take a long stroll through the beautiful place together, failed miserably. I was abandoned, left to tend to myself while he was stuck to the television or his phone. Whenever spoken too, his reply was a mere yes or no and often only a shrug. On what was supposed to be my honeymoon, I was mostly ignored or barked at. There where no moments to cherish, no basking in love, nothing. Trying to cuddle up against him, I was brushed off with a “it’s hot”. It might sound like nothing serious, but trying to explain the psychological effect this has on a newly wed is impossible. In the blink of an eye, all my dreams, hopes and future came crashing down. Although I knew I was in trouble, I had no clue of what was happening or yet to come. I felt desolated and utterly alone. Coming from a history of failed relationships, I could not acknowledge even to myself that once again, I have made a terrible mistake. Just maybe, pride on my part, contributed to the fact that I did not ask for help or got out sooner.
Once back home, I tried reasoning with him, hoping that whatever the problem was, could be resolved. That was the first time the “gaslight mode”kicked in. He tried to convince me that I was crazy, imagining things and that we just returned from a marvelous honeymoon. I still battle to find the correct words, describing what I felt and experienced at that moment. I was dumbfounded. My mouth literally fell open. His lack of empathy or desire to put things straight broke my heart. I tried convincing myself that this is a bad dream and that it will pass soon. On many such a occasion, I would go outside or to another room, thinking, praying, trying desperately to understand what just happened. My mind just could not, would not, find a logic explanation. I spend hours to analyze myself and the situation, not knowing what to do. I knew who I was, I knew I was not crazy, or that was what I hoped. It was easy to start doubting myself, he was so convincing.
We were only married two months when he lost his job and the first reports of unfaithfulness started. On top of that, his incessant lies and stealing became evident. By this time fear gripped my heart as I walked in constant stress and anxiety. The shame I felt is indescribable and I could not get myself to tell people about all that happened. As things worsened, I realised I needed help. I was very cautious about who I told what but in hindsight, it was evident that something was seriously wrong. All the while, I desperately wanted to believe things could change and even to all the contrary facts, we could have a happy ever after. At that stage I did not know about narcissism and hoped that medication or some kind of treatment could change all this. I fasted, I prayed, I repented, I apologised, I groveled, I was desperate enough to do whatever it took. All to no effect.
If that was not enough, I hated what was happening to me. How my personality was changing. How unhappy I was, constantly dreading the very next moment. Always walking on eggshells. I started cursing and judged people and became negative constantly. It took a wedding to change me from a strong, positive, God fearing, happy confident women into a insecure, groveling, fearful, sick, unhappy individual. My health deteriorated at the speed of lightning. I never laughed and found myself crying more than ever before.
At one stage I could not even consider the possibility to continue just another day. Fear gripped my heart and I battled to focus on anything positive. As income, I made pre-cooked meals and worked very hard. I was tired, disillusioned and drowning. One morning at 4’o clock I woke up and slipped out of bed. I then turned to God to save me. I had a very clear vision of God coming down, taking my hands and looking deeply in my eyes. I then heard Him saying “keep your eyes on Mine. Do not look around you” I felt calmness and sanity returning to me and I had hope. But this time it was hope that I will survive and be okay. That somehow I will get through this as long as I keep my eyes on Him. Also, I hoped that God can touch him and that he can change. I had hope that we can then have a happily ever after. I did not realise at that time that because a Narcissist puts his own will above God’s will, he can not be changed. I hoped that the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere and with enough love, care and faith, he will return to me. I suggested counselling but was told that there is nothing wrong with him that only I needed counselling. I started believing it and worked hard at fixing whatever was wrong with me. There were a few people who had some insight on what was happening and that helped a lot. I could not have gone through this without help and definitely not without God. Whenever I felt like I was drowning, I reminded myself of my vision. I prayed constantly, eyes wide open.
What made things even more confusing, was the fact that typical of a Narcissist, he would sometimes be very charming as if to pull me closer, only to push me away when I responded. Normally this is done just to have his way when needed. Also, he acted very very differently when others were around. Only people who knew me well enough to know that I will not lie about this, would have believed me if I should speak out. I also found that very few people understand the gravity of psychological abuse. Everybody believed he was such a wonderful person. Truth be told, I believed it too. The man I used to know was wonderful. This man, I did not know. Sometimes my mind still tries to tell me this cannot all be true. It takes mere seconds, thinking back; to know all of it is true. Walking away was hard, going back impossible.
Having gone through divorce more often than I care to admit, I desperately wanted to have a happy ending. I believed that trying hard enough, doing all I can, serving, loving more than ever before, forgiving immediately, starting fresh every day, things might change. It did not. What changed was me. I became angry and frustrated beyond description. I tried to forgive but the reality of the constant onslaught was too much. I became so frustrated that during one such an outrageous fight, defending myself, apologising for something I was not guilty of, I jumped up and found myself ready to fight him with my fists. I stopped mere centimetres from him, hands lifted to hit him as hard as I could. I came to my senses just in time. I was then told that counselling and deliverance will not help me. I realised that he truly believed that there was nothing wrong with him and that the entire fault lied with me. In those moments I had to think hard and had to decide if I was up to this for the rest of my life. I knew I was not. After fixing everything I could, everything I thought needed to change in me, nothing changed at all.
In only a few days, it will be our third wedding anniversary. We have been separated for 9 months and I must regretfully start the divorce proceedings. Since the separation, I am no longer in that constant stress and anxiety. I still battle my health and the damage it has done to my mind, confidence, emotions and trust. I still sometimes grieve the loss of my prince charming, the dream of a happy marriage and the loss of my childhood friend. I still long to be held by strong comforting arms but now have made peace that I will never have my happy ever after. But I am working to be happy on my own, being content with my life, there are days that I succeed.
I miss the innocent trusting way I used to regard most people with. I hate how quickly my body respond to any stressful situation. I hate how quickly I become fearful and how little I trust. Sorrow fills my heart knowing that as happiness and joy starts to pour into my life again, he will never experience that joy, and never share that with me. My mind still cannot wrap itself around that as I continue on my journey to healing.
I cannot tell you to leave or to stay if you find yourself in such a relationship. I only hope that you will learn from my experience. Draw close to people who truly love you and even closer to God. I am forever grateful for people in my life who really loves me and support me through my healing process. I have learned so much. I have a hope and a future. My gratitude and love for a Graceful God cannot be described. I have found comfort in the song below.